The Relationship Sweet Spot Between Unrealistic Expectations and Just Settling
It may seem like a VERY fine line, but there is a relationship sweet spot between unrealistic expectations and just settling.
And, this week, Lexi and Tony set out to explain what that sweet spot is and how to find it and structure your relationship to stay in the sweet spot.
This discussion came from a Huffington Post article that a friend sent to Tony…the article was written by a Millennial and talked about their generation being the generation that doesn’t want relationships…here’s the link if you would like to read it…
In the article, the writer talks about how Millennials basically want the good parts of a relationship…the fun, the excitement, the crazy sex…but are not willing to deal with the not-so-great stuff that comes along with that…the compromising, frustrations, vulnerability, the giving of trust, loss of personal freedom…
And, in reading the article, both Lexi and Tony believed there was definitely some truth in what she was saying in regards to the Millennial level of expectations (of course we are generalizing)…because, well, that’s what happens when you come from a very idealized space of thinking about how things “could” be.
Now, Lexi and Tony have no problem at all with all of us having high expectations of ourselves and others…it’s when those expectations become super rigid and a dealbreaker if you try to hold a possible significant other up to them.
And, God forbid, if you ever find yourself in a position where you just throw your hands and give up and just settle for a terrible or toxic relationship because you think that will be the best you will ever do or that you don’t deserve any better…back away from that cliff!
All that being said, there is a solution to this dilemma, and it has to do with the realization that there is a sweet spot between holding someone up to unrealistic expectations and feeling as though you’re just settling for a lousy relationship…it’s call ACCEPTANCE.
Tony likes to look at this like a dartboard…you have the tiny little red dot in the middle which is your expectations…like if you had a magic wand and wished the perfect relationship,…that is what it would look like.
If you’ve ever played darts, you know hitting that little red center is NOT easy, but it can be done…once in maybe a thousand throws…
And you hitting the bulls eye is like you meeting someone that REALLY clicks with you, giving you a sense that there is a possibility that they can meet your “magic wand” expectations.
But then, because they are their own person and they have there own reality they live in and because no two people are exactly alike…you start to see some differences between how this person is and your expectation list
…and maybe at this point, in past relationships, you thought, oh well, just another person that doesn’t meet my expectations, I guess I just have to settle or I guess I’ll dump them and find someone who can meet all of my expectations…both of the options, by the way, are ridiculous…because…
Once you find out that all the darts you throw don’t land on the bullseye, you look at the ones that have landed in the yellow circle around the red bullseye…this is called the “Acceptable” area….
…a place where your potential significant other doesn’t meet all your requirements exactly, but where you understand where they are coming from and are willing to compromise and accept that they have some different likes and dislikes…all while your core expectations of respect and trust and feeling safe are being met…That’s the SWEET SPOT.
It’s not really settling until the other person goes way off the rails and is so far away from how you see life and what type of character traits you want in your significant other, that it starts to negatively impact you life…then, if you stay in it…